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  • Writer's pictureShoneeka Gupta

Do you believe in ‘bikhari’ kind of love. Expectations from the other makes you a pauper.

Updated: Feb 16

Begging for love, care, attention, ring or respect?

Well, don’t feel bad about it, I never talk about anything that

I haven’t ever done myself. I have treaded this path of ‘seeking’ for many years which robs you of everything you have. So after becoming a total beggar, I spent many precious years in Vipassana trying to get an answer, ‘What we are seeking, is it really seeking us?'

After many heartbreaks over my expectations, I came to the following crux.


We are seeking outside, what we carry within. We keep diminishing our self-respect, value, self-worth by asking the other to give us what we should be giving ourselves. Why ask, when we can have it on our own? Also, what I know of love is, that when we are in love, everything is given away freely. But how to get in that state of love, when everything comes to us on its own.

Is it even possible?


We are capable beings, we can manifest anything we want. When we start balancing our inner masculine and inner feminine we can create magic in our lives. Love Vipassana is a state of complete union within us. You can read about it here...


Infact, once we start our inner work, we would understand these precious words of Rumi. “The wonders we seek outside, we carry within.” – Rumi

Let’s talk about the lists which we carry around in our heads, which are what

we seek in our partner.

“I want someone who will be the most amazing person who will change my life.”

“I want someone who will be my best friend for life.”

“I want someone who is always be my well-wisher and cheerleader.”

“I want someone to protect me from the evils of the world.”

“I want someone who will accept me the way I am.”

“I want someone who will make me a better person each passing day.”

“I want someone who will loving towards me, my family and my mother.”

“I want someone who will lighten me after I return home from a mad day at work.”

“I want someone who will understand me.”

“I want someone who will support me through thick and thin.”

“I want someone who will appreciate my beauty and my talents.”

“I want someone who will appreciate my presence.”

“I want someone who will give me love, care and attention.”

“I want someone who will make me feel secure.”

“I want someone who will give me financial security.”

“I want someone who will give me emotional security.”

“I want someone who will make feel peaceful and free me of my anxiety.”

“I want someone who will fill this vacuum in my life, this loneliness.”

“I want someone who will make me laugh and dry my tears.”

“I want someone I can travel the world with.”

“I want someone who will turn my boring life into something interesting.”


What’s your list like? God made us unique and wonderful, and here we are hunting for someone unique and wonderful to come in our life and give us what is supposed to be within us only. Which only we can give us. We are begging the other for what we should be looking for within us. So, what we actually do is, take the power given to us by creator and give it to another. We go against His will. We go on a prowl for the perfect man or woman expecting him and her to give us what is already within us. Putting the other on a pedestral.

All the things we are seeking outside(the list mentioned above and the list you have), have we ever thought of giving that to us on our own. If not, why would anyone else consider us giving all that. If we don’t consider us worthy enough, why would anyone else consider us worthy. If we don’t think of giving a thought to our needs and fulfilling them, why would another do that? Why?


So, when we go against the creator, and follow some lists of ours or of the society, what do we create – A messy marriage. A live show of hell on earth.


Nowhere I’m denying the sanctity and role of marriage in our lives, I’m just asking us to reflect on the intention of getting married these days. Is it to receive from the other? Is to give the other? Or is it JUST AS IS without expectation of giving or receiving, just for existence, just to enjoy the existence of another as he/she is?


Now let’s try replacing the responsibility from our list mentioned above from the other to our own self.

“I am the most amazing person and I can change my life.”

“I accept me the way I am.”

“I am a better person with each passing day.”

“I am so loving to me, loving to my family, loving to my mother.”

“I lighten me after I return home from a mad day at work.”

“I understand me.”

“I am supporting me through thick and thin.”

“I am appreciative of my beauty and my talents.”

“I am appreciative of my presence.”

“I am giving me love, care and attention.”

“I give me financial security.”

“I give me emotional security.”

“I am peaceful and free me of my anxiety.”

“I am filling this vacuum in my life, turning this loneliness into a blessing.”

“I am someone who makes me laugh and dries my tears.”


Are we so incapable that we have to ‘need’ these from the other? The reason for marriage cannot be to fulfil this list or any other needs. There must and should be just reason for marriage, and that is to love the existence of other as he is. Complete acceptance and complete surrender. If there are conditions it is not marriage, it is a business deal.

And that is something we don’t plan, it happens. First within and then outside.

Any planning leads us to hell. It’s a natural process which happens from a state of ‘no mind.’ Where no pros and cons exist. Where we don’t judge the plusses and minuses of having that person in our life. Where we just surrender in complete devotion. Where we are already one at some plane. Where his benefit is your benefit too.

If you don’t feel like that for the one you are getting married to, please don’t marry yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no one to judge the right and wrong reason for marriage. I’m just saying there should be no reason to get married, it should happen from the state of no mind, a state where you already are complete and not seeking from the other. In the state of Love Vipassana.


I’m just here to trigger you into that marriage within. That union within. That completeness within. And that takes us to the union of inner masculine and feminine within. So that we experience the beauty of true love.

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